SPOILER: (Bitch/Crazy) Too late with meds & tapering off a Really Shitty One™.) Can’t count the number of whore-shoes…

This is what happens when (my doves cry®princerogersnelson and umrg you’re very-too late with taking your meds while tapering off an RSO™.) I can’t count the number of whore-shoes (…or pickles!) I currently have stashed up my arse right now, but Dear PTB: know that I am full of grace for the former. Seriously. (”for real, y’alls” hilarity+ ~shuddertothink~ )

Mission accomplished, though. And people suck.

/(regardless posting)tentative.crypticbitch.noygdb

I’m hating on everything today, though. And I am -not- soliciting advice on ‘how I can change this’ etc., just to be clear That’s why I put a spoil-her. Deal. I will entertain any thoughts on the efficacy of my spoil-styles, however, as I fear they may leave quite a bit to be desired (same goes for my tag, er, ’styles’) being mostly bastardised, old asd (thanks google japan for the flashback.effedup-weirdness. well, more specifically, what i assume(?) is google groups beta japan.). So they may be inconsistent and wavering for a while as I re-accustomise to employing them. [break for CO’s impromptu beatles-comment HILARITY. fuck i love you; ha!]

“Diplomacy is the art of telling someone to go to hell and having them look forward to the trip.” (No Clue Who (v. wary of Anons.))

to this one:

Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.
Will Rogers
U.S. humorist & showman (1879 - 1935)

which…

(since too much of my nervous energy is being focused on hating to meet my ridiculous personal standard for researching shit on the Internet - christ it took me forever to translate from ‘my language’ into something hopefully understandable to at least one other person, and the self-barrage of “why do I care?”s, etc. consequently, i hope this is small enough to piss the IEEEVIL users off. YEAH, YOU.)

…was also found attributed to Wynn Catlin at a bunch of places. And I haven’t ‘discovered’ Wynn Catlin yet, so this means I am emphatically giving up (despite likely being close to termination). Any information on that kind of thing would always be much and kindly appreciated.

or:

“Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.” (paraphrasing… shit, I can’t find who said this originally. Check back later and/or feel free to let me know, whatever. ).

But I did find this (randomly-chosen) rockin’ quote I had (so sadly?) never heard of up until now:

In politics stupidity is not a handicap. [Wake up, America!]
Napoleon [my emph-ass-is.] gd workingforlawyers

Also hating on:

myself, imagine that :), plus
my idealistic view of how the world should be, which i am projecting onto, among others:

w3c html 1.0 strict+my impatience/obstinacy (but what else is new these past few days) - misdirected, naturally. i’m pretty sure i’m still all for the standards the real culprit is my lack of ‘run-time’ with all of the new knowledge I have osmosed at a mind-boggling (for me. FUCK, stop disclaiming yourself.+) rate this past week, and particularly past few days. After waking up from the (whoevenknowsifit’sthefirst) years-long drug coma and regaining what I know(feel&think (here I will learn what wordpress wysiwyg does with the &, if anything fucked)) are my former (higher) levels of functionality. [CO™’s leaving the room. i can’t believe they didn’t do it earlier, or that i didn’t have them leave; to keep the rage radar out of their sights. Both a ~~bit~~ lot sick and tired of the necessary chaos, but still standing.)

my (beloved?) wordpress (too many big and little nitpicks to extract from my mind at the moment. start with the wysiwyg (~slumps~ I’ve never even heard of Wiki markup + this Textile thing - it sounds intriguing. is it out of date? [update: genius on all-things-technical CO™ hasn’t heard of it either. I don’t feel so ’slumpy’ anymore!]) and mull on and about from there) - I’m always trying to be way too helpful, even when I’m trying to let the bitch out.
a certain company’s ad-’coding’ madness, but again, if i’m going to ad-whore, i’ll have to deal with the brick walls and technical Gumbies.

In other news (ha!), “The World IS Enough: Honda’s Envirogastic 2007 Formula 1 Livery “, and what up with My Earth Dream? and here! (Thanks F1 Blog!)

Peace! Now that I’ve spent 5+hours on this gdamned entry, I’ve calmed down a bit. Another fait accompli! (i had ‘mission: impossible’ ah-gain, but my ‘overt helpfulness’ does not extend to much Tom-Cruise-related. Even despite Dougray and other silly+ factors. ~~not~~ Sorry.)

And yes, this site is still constantly being tweaked; for that I sincerely apologise. I think this incarnation has been up for… maybe a little over a week. So/too much manic-learning. I guess it should be more obvious to me that I’m burnt&broken and that it’s time for some STLC. (weird how I use my ‘yay UK English’ esses even in place of my beloved Canadian ZED)

Holy crap, The End.

Barb Says:
February 28th, 2007 at 1:18 am

Yeah, I struggle with anxiety, BPD, and bipolar disorder, which has evolved (or rather, devolved) in treatment-resistant depression. So, it’s back to ECT for me. At least I know what to expect this time.

Have you ever attended a DBT program? Once our new insurance kicks in I’m going to try to find one.

Recidiscursive Says:
February 28th, 2007 at 5:49 pm

“At least I know what to expect this time.”

Barb, you have my utmost respect… - ECT: I can’t even -imagine- either what it’s like to go through it or what it’s like to face the possibility that it may be one of your
only choices.

In no particular order (order meh!!), the ‘labels’, diagnoses, whatever(!), that I have accepted as being personally accurate are BPD (and PTSD), TRD, schizotypal, the anxiety (ohGODtheanxiety!!), OCD (GRR! this NEVER helps ANYTHING!! :P), anxious (avoidant).

I had a frighteningly long response going to your comment, particularly about the ’shit-storm’ of a) having comorbiditIES (let alone ‘only’ one of any number of ‘obstacles (to the obstacles to the…)’of attaining mental ’sanity’— aaaand then I was a complete moron and accidentally closed the window (firefox tab, actually). Oh man did the rage COME… (I’m still trying to tell IT to ‘eff off’ :P)

My points basically are (do you have trouble ‘getting to the point’ sometimes too?? I am such a ‘bad’ one for that…!) thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and sruggles with me - I am always very humbled by how amazingly helpful it is to connect and reach out to others who have similar struggles. And depending on whatever (’messed-up’ or not!) mood you could be experiencing, it can be touch to do just that - reach out and ‘fuck the fear’, is what I call it ~cringe~ I hope I am not offending with my usage of language (particularly the ‘cussing’ bit) - it (unfortunately?) helps sometimes in trying to get (what I think is) my point across.

Regarding DBT - thank you for asking!(!) If you have access to it in your Windy City(?) (and insurance that will cover it, even better!!), then it’s something I would emphatically say “GO FOR IT!” to. For years I have been pouring over many of the ‘better’ books about it, and then I went so far as to get Linehan’s DVDs on it, which I have found more helpful than the reading (in my case) because of the visual/ALMOSTBUTNOTQUITE-one-on-one with the strategies and ‘coping skills’ learning.

I have no coverage for anything like DBT, and even if I did, the closest place to ‘get’ it would be another bigger city in Ontario which I won’t name because I’m not terribly fond of it (oooh! :P) OR within the prison system here in Canada, but I’d have to ‘let myself go’ fairly far (it seems/I really hop, anyway!) before ‘being able to’ warrant the programs within the prison system.

Anyway, at the moment, Marsha Linehan’s DVDs are what I’m trying now (well, WAS trying, and then this current ‘breakdown’ + my decision to leave a career of 6 years
and counting came along (oh yes, VERY related those two :P), and now I’m crawling/kicking my way back from that )) - ahhhh, bracket hell!! My apologies.

If you you’re interested and/or don’t already have them of course(!), the books and DVDs I’m talking about are available quite a few places. Here they are available / described here, direct [from the ‘original’ production/publishing/reseller company] in this pdf link:

http://behavioraltech.org/products/orderForm_international.pdf

The DVDs I have are the “From Chaos to Freedom™ Set” mentioned there (marked as US$234 - yikes, I forgot that I had spent around CDN$380 (AFTER shipping, from amazon.ca ) - these ones:

DVD02 Crisis Survival Skills, Part 1: Distracting and Self-Soothing

DVD03 Crisis Survival Skills, Part 2: Improving the Moment and Pros & Cons

DVD04 From Suffering to Freedom: Practicing Reality Acceptance

DVD05 This One Moment: Skills for Everyday Mindfulness

… and among the books, I have these:

GP03 Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder

GP04 Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder (workbook)

(hmm, it looks like they have other stuff that I might find useful.. I’ll have to check http://behavioraltech.org some more myself when I have the time…)

With the DVDs, the ‘Skills Training Manual…’ book/workbook was handy, but it’s not necessary to have it for the DVD ‘program’.

Any/all of these you may be able to find cheaper at amazon.com /.ca or somewhere local, though.

I wish you all the best, and thank you again, Barb. You have inspired many, many helpful thoughts/feelings for me to ‘play around’ with

Please hang in there!!

-Ank

Recidiscursive Says:
February 28th, 2007 at 5:51 pm

Gah - the ‘inline’ smiley thing is still ‘in the works’ Sorry those are so spazzed out, heheheh.

A dragon baby Says:
February 28th, 2007 at 6:58 pm

Well, Your wonderful CO™ is going to make you because I had an . IF I could make your smileys work inline then you would not so go this way and don’t feel so