Flickr and Delicious are both things I’d like to check out eventually, but too lazy/busy currently.. is that even possible? Busy lazy?

Use the handle Beofjord at a few places, started as a character name in an online game I was playing. It is more or less in reference to part of my heritage. Beo is derived from Old English and the Fjord is from a family name of ours: Flentje which is German/Norwegian, and I someday want to go visit the fjords in Norway…

I also ‘had to’ - no … ‘HAD TO!!!’, heheheh - stop using messenger/chat clients, etc., for fear (and fact!) that they were driving me ‘further down the hole’ in terms of my mental health. I have a very addictive personality coupled with what USED TO BE (but I am now trying to change this…) a chronic need to ‘obliviate’, and playing text-based RPGs, online ‘chatting’, etc., began to take its toll during the last couple years of high school - i.e., skipping classes, just plain NOT GOING because I didn’t feel like it, and hated the place anyway :O !

So I’ve been ‘clean’ from text RPGs for quite awhile now (the escapism was just too much for my “I truly believe I’m not or wasn’t supposed to have existed anyway…” so “what the hey? I’ll go be someone else for awhile!”).

This brought me head-on into many of the ‘borderline’-type issues I am (actually!) dealing with today. This blind jump into the abyss of the blogosphere was merely to be as an aide in my trying to rehash some of the ‘old/bad news’ and to start focusing on - well, ANYTHING else If you feel like you shouldn’t have existed in the first place (and were also, consequently, raised to believe/reinforce this about yourself, to a large degree), being able to tolerate any part of ‘this existence’ is truly (and sadly ) a huge leap for me.

Backtracking…

Beofjord - I love how the f and the j kind of… well, I was working on a really fab. description of it, and now I just looked at the f and the j and all I could think of was, “69! That’s what it looks like!” - but no, I don’t think the ‘appeal’ for me actually came from that last ‘insta-thought’/reaction. I just love how they’re kind of reaching for each other, or almost completing a circle, but not quite….

That and anything with ‘fj____’ really ‘turns my crank’, hahah. “Fjord” as opposed to ‘fiord’ < -- blech! And Flentje... what a beautiful name. I just went to wikipedia to check out 'fjords' (in hope I would come across another similar 'fj-'-type word, haha), and I came across Hardangerfjord - which just sounds .... way too cool, heheh. Danger...dangerous...hard...difficult danger... HARDANGERFJORD!! AHH!!

(And I'm just now(!?) seeing the 'cult' in difficult... hm... I'm intrigued!! :P)

"Busy lazy" I think is a quite perfect way of putting how I also feel much of the time, heheheh "What? But I just DID a whole bunch of stuff; I don't want to do MORE!!" - the unfortunate thing I'm trying to 'beat' is the compulsion to just keep going and going and going - until I crash (as I did yesterday/last night). I had an 'insomnia' problem, went to the doc for some help (because go long enough without sleep... ugh - I'm sure you may know something about that, whether personally, or just throughout 'life experience' in general)... anyway, he gave me these great 'coma'-type pills (quetiapine / seroquel), and it was a REALLY low dose (100mg) compared to the doses used for it's main purpose, which is as an anti-psychotic (I believe...? I'm resisting the obsessive compulsion to 'very everything, EVERYTHING! VERIFY!!! NOW!!!!" - must be the shame 'n guilt that seem to make up 90% of my ... 'being' (or so it feels).

Hm... I 'lost' another train there Oh yes... 'coma' pill... I would take it and sleep for at least 12, if not 14 straight hours, and at the beginning this was wonderful, as I had such an accumulated sleep deficit it was unreal(!). But when I 'came off' the topiramate (Topamax/Stupamax/DOPAMAX) and all of a sudden felt ALIVE again for the first time since I began to try to get help with "what's 'wrong' or 'not working(!)' with/for me" - WHATTA feeling, I tell you...

That was 'the beginning' of my ridiculous (in the amount of energy, etc. that I was putting into it) foray into the 'wired'. I've been here a 'long' time, but I occasionally 'lose time' in the sense that I have to 'step the fuck back!' from whatever it is I happen to be obsessing/compulsing about. This was a reaction that was, I feel, by necessity and it's 'purpose' was truly to 'keep whatever sanity' I had left

By 'sanity'/'insanity', I'm usually referring to someone's ability to relate to other people. It's a bit of a schizophrenic way of looking at it, but it makes sense to me 'Our' family is rife with mental illness, particularly many of the -isms, the -enics and the -ives, heheheh. I have no idea why I wrote that as I did. But I'm leavin' it! (This renewed 'foray' is also an exercise in me learning to ACCEPT myself, no matter what I find when I 'turn and face the strain' (heheh) of getting back into LOOKING and FOCUSING on myself-in-terms-of-myself and not the usual, outdated "myself-in-terms-of-everyone-BUT-me!".

Wow, whatta lot o' ramble

Sorry about all of that....

Heheheh, repetitive sounds drive me BONKERS - i.e., the 'beepbeep'/'boopboop'(!) you were describing... I think it was one of the culminating factors in my 'running like hell' from my last set of roommates, heheheh. (one of them never left the house (they were subsidised by their parents) unless it was to spend an inordinate amount of money (that could have been going towards bills or rent, RAWR! - but a whole 'nother long, boring(?) story :P) - erm... where was I? Oh yes. The video game/online game 'addictions' [and thus the resultant 'repetitive noises'(!)] she was herself indulging in weren't too beneficial to my own state of health, so I would just hole up in my room, engage in my 'chat addiction v. 2.0' (wherein I only chatted with a few people out of geographic necessity - so it didn't totally become an addiction, but more of a ... 'strong need' coupled with an equally 'strong need to escape'(!).

I don't know. Taking that terrifying first step of getting to my first narcotics anonymous meeting (currently I am, well, a 'pothead') was one of the best things I have done thus far, in my 'self-recovery'. I was absolutely terrified for so many different reasons, most of them regarding 'hang-ups' on the VERY WELL-DOCUMENTED failure of 12-step programs, as well as the 'icky' (to me, 'sighs') 'religous' aspect - which, when you get there (at least where I went - to the 'mental' hospital meetings where there are many people suffering from similar 'whatevers' that I am) - wasn't an 'issue' at all. The various (and many!) groups that they split off into after the main 'intro' kind of meeting (where everyone goes for the first 15 mins. or so) - well, the one I went to, anyway - the people there (old/young/diverse in every sense you can imagine!), especially with the help of 'older' members chairing the meeting - it was so incredibly humbling, inspiring (okay, and still terrifying :P) to hear what they had to share that day, and I feel I really connected with some of the people there (an 'intro' step 1-2-3 as opposed to the 'female-only' that my counsellor suggested (and which I responded, "But I thought I should be EXPOSING myself to fears/old trauma - what up?!"

Gnaah. I've lost my 'place'. Probably for the best, as I'm having déjà vu since I’m about to apologise (again!) for all the rambling/babbling, yadda

Thank you for your ‘food for thought’ again, Dave

-Always- a pleasure.

(I hope I didn’t give anyone too severe a headache / malaise in this discombobulation-of-a-’reply’. )

(not to mention the fact that I still haven’t fixed the colours so you can actually see this without highlighting it, hahahah - “busy lazy” as WE say…!)

I should have remembered that U.S. radio call letters often begin with ‘W’. Or all of them? Not sure!

Thanks for commenting, Amy!

Looking back on this entry, once again - a true editorial nightmare! (runs screaming…!)

I’m a big fan, just so you know! :p I was just wondering… what’s your birthday?

~Your biggest fan, Jamie