What’s In Your Name - Come Clean
It’s not easy being crazy, folks. In fact, it takes up quite a lot most(?) of my time! This also reminds me I have to set up some kind of ‘Facilitate Rae’s Sanity’ fund.
‘Cause being unemployed and working this hard just feels… okay, it honestly feels pretty good, because I’m learning all sorts of stuff (my favourite mode of ‘living’ to be in = alive+learning+yay - sounds pretty reasonable), but I’m pushing myself too hard and it’s all starting to smack of ‘a bit much’. So I’m trying to slow down, figure out who I am (again), make up with myself for a lot of unnecessary self-abuse… decide whether or not to go a self-employed-something route (again) or whether I can (ever) tolerate a law office again. Oh noes babblin.
The most important thing to me in any of my ‘online endeavours’ are the HUMAN connections/acquaintances garnered and fostered. This is where YOU come in. YOU are important to ME. Feel special? Well, good! Because you ARE (, frig). I mean, I like you, don’t I? 
(whoever-the-frick-I-am 
)
So start gathering up your former/current aliases etc. and send them my way for some techno-lovin’ me-style. See below where I give up my own goods in typical verbosity
Who in the World are you? And Where? Who are you on:
… last.fm
… Flickr
… Fuel My Blog (so’s I know who to vote for, durnit! So far I only ‘know’/'recognize’ and thus regularly vote for: My View of It (in Politics), SuccessCREEations (in Business), Wamylove (in Entertainment) and a few others whicharen’t coming to mind 
)
… MyBlogLog
… technorati
… digg
… del.icio.us
… StumbleUpon
… AIM
… Yahoo Messenger
… MSN Messenger
… GTalk
… that WAYN thing
… okay, even LJ (heheh, kidding, kidding! I lurvit ’sighs.)
… your site/blog/whatever
… anything you can think of. I’m a bit of a techno-whore (or rather, are becoming so again after many years of ‘being clean’, hah), so if it’s out there, I just may have an account
I’m probably forgetting a million of them, but whatever. Give me as much or as little as you’d like. Email it to me, if you’d prefer! ankakay AT expired-convictions DAWT calm. Er, com.
My sleep-deprived brain is melting from trying to keep track of all y’alls.
This is my way of ‘tracking you down’ and, er, making you pay! I mean… 
Thank you in advance!
I’m finally learning not to put ridiculous characters in my titles. Annoying things. Grr.
Among a bazillion other things (that I’m ‘finally learning’) 
(Erm, me
= Rae (short for
“Raegen” (bow down, now)
(= Queen in latin, etc., derived from :imaginethis!: Regina ), pronounced
“RayGun” or how they pronounce “Regan” in W. P. Blatty’s most excellent book, and then to movie -> The Exorcist - some great nicknames from THAT one 
But Pines’ dad called me this before I became a Matt Good zealot (also very personally “thrilling”.) NOTE: I -will- attempt to drop-kick and/or roundhouse you (my discretion ‘n all) should you knowingly bring up Ronnie / the Gipper / whatever-YOU-call-him 
heheheh. No joke, mang.
= Ankakay (Really, I remember why/how I ‘made’ this one. Very possibly Quechua-related or Urdu :cringes: - try looking it up and remind me? I have a ‘thing’ for the Inca, haha) (This is a currently-used one - a ‘favourite’).
= Recidiscursive (play on recidivism+discursive - the only one anyone has really ever asked me aboot, heh ) (Another ‘current’ one, but usually only shows up on any Blogger posts/comments I make (darn having two gmail addies!!! And the whole having to sign out of my primary email to comment with my Blogger which is on secondary gmail, ugh. “[I] do it to myself, [I do], and that’s what really hurts…” ).
= Shtahfari (play on ‘farishtah’, Urdu for ‘Angel’ (please correct me!), I believe, but masculine, heh. I call one of my ex-bosses this Farishtah, that is. Plus this one also brings to mind some pretentious/aristocratic … somebody(!) saying “Star Faery”, but obviously more like “Fah-ri” than “Fair-y” - all of which is also a-ok with me ) = Faerliel (hrm, has ‘ae’ from ‘Rae’ in it and ‘liel’ at the end, both of which remind me of such glorious names as Galadriel, Phaedra, etc. - it also sounds pretty, damnit!)
= expiredconvictions (not terribly inspired, hah - I think that’s my del.icio.us. Maybe. Who knows? Try it out. Hahahah.)
= Auqakuh or Auqakuh Reina (Quechuan for ‘Mars’. I have an even bigger ‘hard-on’ for Mars than I do the Inca and probably even you. Besides, if you’re having that kind of effect on me, there’s (potentially) something seriously awry and a ‘chat’ with the Self (not to mention the Partner!) would be in order I’ll make you a deal; I’ll call you personally when we become raging swingers and we can discuss ‘options’ then.
And that’s aboot it. Except for a bunch of ‘cutesy’ RPG names from, ugh, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahrs ago. (Canon (yeah, that one was inspired - and ended up being my MAIN character, too, hahahah :sigh: ), Maize(I’m pretty sure I used this one.), Fizgig (yay.. erm… Dark Crystal. They should have just had a movie centred on him. Yep, I said it. Actually, the more I watch it, the more I loathe it. The Skeksies were cool / entertaining, but most of the main peeps (especially THE main lil’ dude - hah, I’ve wiped the bugger from my mind) really aggravate me for whatever snobby reason), Ludo (yay Labyrinth), Rubina (yay Satch), YubNub, Wakka, Jolie (a very boring alias, imho, from an early ‘fling’ I had with that girl there), ad nauseum. I really freaking like names. If you know me, and you think of any other ones to add, by all means.
SO FEED ME ALREADY
March 28th, 2007 at 8:15 am
I had to stop using IM clients… got to where I could never catch a break. No matter what I would need or want to do at my computer “beepbeep” or, even if comp is on, “booppboop” hear it across the room. It became like a phone that would not stop. Don’t get me started on the having 3 or 4 conversations going all at once… eep!
Flickr and Delicious are both things I’d like to check out eventually, but too lazy/busy currently.. is that even possible? Busy lazy?
Use the handle Beofjord at a few places, started as a character name in an online game I was playing. It is more or less in reference to part of my heritage. Beo is derived from Old English and the Fjord is from a family name of ours: Flentje which is German/Norwegian, and I someday want to go visit the fjords in Norway…
March 28th, 2007 at 10:11 am
Thanks for replying, Dave
I also ‘had to’ - no … ‘HAD TO!!!’, heheheh - stop using messenger/chat clients, etc., for fear (and fact!) that they were driving me ‘further down the hole’ in terms of my mental health. I have a very addictive personality coupled with what USED TO BE (but I am now trying to change this…) a chronic need to ‘obliviate’, and playing text-based RPGs, online ‘chatting’, etc., began to take its toll during the last couple years of high school - i.e., skipping classes, just plain NOT GOING because I didn’t feel like it, and hated the place anyway :O !
So I’ve been ‘clean’ from text RPGs for quite awhile now (the escapism was just too much for my “I truly believe I’m not or wasn’t supposed to have existed anyway…” so “what the hey? I’ll go be someone else for awhile!”).
This brought me head-on into many of the ‘borderline’-type issues I am (actually!) dealing with today. This blind jump into the abyss of the blogosphere was merely to be as an aide in my trying to rehash some of the ‘old/bad news’ and to start focusing on - well, ANYTHING else
If you feel like you shouldn’t have existed in the first place (and were also, consequently, raised to believe/reinforce this about yourself, to a large degree), being able to tolerate any part of ‘this existence’ is truly (and sadly 
) a huge leap for me.
Backtracking…
Beofjord - I love how the f and the j kind of… well, I was working on a really fab. description of it, and now I just looked at the f and the j and all I could think of was, “69! That’s what it looks like!” - but no, I don’t think the ‘appeal’ for me actually came from that last ‘insta-thought’/reaction. I just love how they’re kind of reaching for each other, or almost completing a circle, but not quite….
That and anything with ‘fj____’ really ‘turns my crank’, hahah. “Fjord” as opposed to ‘fiord’ < -- blech!
And Flentje... what a beautiful name. I just went to wikipedia to check out 'fjords' (in hope I would come across another similar 'fj-'-type word, haha), and I came across Hardangerfjord - which just sounds .... way too cool, heheh. Danger...dangerous...hard...difficult danger... HARDANGERFJORD!! AHH!! 
(And I'm just now(!?) seeing the 'cult' in difficult... hm... I'm intrigued!! :P)
"Busy lazy" I think is a quite perfect way of putting how I also feel much of the time, heheheh
"What? But I just DID a whole bunch of stuff; I don't want to do MORE!!" - the unfortunate thing I'm trying to 'beat' is the compulsion to just keep going and going and going - until I crash (as I did yesterday/last night). I had an 'insomnia' problem, went to the doc for some help (because go long enough without sleep... ugh - I'm sure you may know something about that, whether personally, or just throughout 'life experience' in general)... anyway, he gave me these great 'coma'-type pills (quetiapine / seroquel), and it was a REALLY low dose (100mg) compared to the doses used for it's main purpose, which is as an anti-psychotic (I believe...? I'm resisting the obsessive compulsion to 'very everything, EVERYTHING! VERIFY!!! NOW!!!!" - must be the shame 'n guilt that seem to make up 90% of my ... 'being' 
(or so it feels).
Hm... I 'lost' another train there
Oh yes... 'coma' pill... I would take it and sleep for at least 12, if not 14 straight hours, and at the beginning this was wonderful, as I had such an accumulated sleep deficit it was unreal(!). But when I 'came off' the topiramate (Topamax/Stupamax/DOPAMAX) and all of a sudden felt ALIVE again for the first time since I began to try to get help with "what's 'wrong' or 'not working(!)' with/for me" - WHATTA feeling, I tell you...
That was 'the beginning' of my ridiculous (in the amount of energy, etc. that I was putting into it) foray into the 'wired'. I've been here a 'long' time, but I occasionally 'lose time' in the sense that I have to 'step the fuck back!' from whatever it is I happen to be obsessing/compulsing about. This was a reaction that was, I feel, by necessity and it's 'purpose' was truly to 'keep whatever sanity' I had left
By 'sanity'/'insanity', I'm usually referring to someone's ability to relate to other people. It's a bit of a schizophrenic way of looking at it, but it makes sense to me
'Our' family is rife with mental illness, particularly many of the -isms, the -enics and the -ives, heheheh. I have no idea why I wrote that as I did. But I'm leavin' it! 
(This renewed 'foray' is also an exercise in me learning to ACCEPT myself, no matter what I find when I 'turn and face the strain' (heheh) of getting back into LOOKING and FOCUSING on myself-in-terms-of-myself and not the usual, outdated "myself-in-terms-of-everyone-BUT-me!".
Wow, whatta lot o' ramble
Sorry about all of that....
Heheheh, repetitive sounds drive me BONKERS - i.e., the 'beepbeep'/'boopboop'(!) you were describing... I think it was one of the culminating factors in my 'running like hell' from my last set of roommates, heheheh. (one of them never left the house (they were subsidised by their parents) unless it was to spend an inordinate amount of money (that could have been going towards bills or rent, RAWR! - but a whole 'nother long, boring(?) story :P) - erm... where was I? Oh yes. The video game/online game 'addictions' [and thus the resultant 'repetitive noises'(!)] she was herself indulging in weren't too beneficial to my own state of health, so I would just hole up in my room, engage in my 'chat addiction v. 2.0' (wherein I only chatted with a few people out of geographic necessity - so it didn't totally become an addiction, but more of a ... 'strong need' coupled with an equally 'strong need to escape'(!).
I don't know. Taking that terrifying first step of getting to my first narcotics anonymous meeting (currently I am, well, a 'pothead') was one of the best things I have done thus far, in my 'self-recovery'. I was absolutely terrified for so many different reasons, most of them regarding 'hang-ups' on the VERY WELL-DOCUMENTED failure of 12-step programs, as well as the 'icky' (to me, 'sighs') 'religous' aspect - which, when you get there (at least where I went - to the 'mental' hospital meetings where there are many people suffering from similar 'whatevers' that I am) - wasn't an 'issue' at all. The various (and many!) groups that they split off into after the main 'intro' kind of meeting (where everyone goes for the first 15 mins. or so) - well, the one I went to, anyway - the people there (old/young/diverse in every sense you can imagine!), especially with the help of 'older' members chairing the meeting - it was so incredibly humbling, inspiring (okay, and still terrifying :P) to hear what they had to share that day, and I feel I really connected with some of the people there (an 'intro' step 1-2-3 as opposed to the 'female-only' that my counsellor suggested (and which I responded, "But I thought I should be EXPOSING myself to fears/old trauma - what up?!"
Gnaah. I've lost my 'place'. Probably for the best, as I'm having déjà vu since I’m about to apologise (again!) for all the rambling/babbling, yadda
Thank you for your ‘food for thought’ again, Dave
-Always- a pleasure.
(I hope I didn’t give anyone too severe a headache / malaise in this discombobulation-of-a-’reply’.
)
(not to mention the fact that I still haven’t fixed the colours so you can actually see this without highlighting it, hahahah - “busy lazy” as WE say…!)
July 5th, 2007 at 11:11 pm
Thanks for mentioning me! I got WAMY from my name which is Amy, and when I spun records for friends over the years I called myself WAMY as in a radio station. I added “love” to it as that name was not taken yet…
July 17th, 2007 at 2:34 pm
I love it!
I should have remembered that U.S. radio call letters often begin with ‘W’. Or all of them? Not sure!
Thanks for commenting, Amy!
Looking back on this entry, once again - a true editorial nightmare! (runs screaming…!)
October 31st, 2007 at 11:22 pm
Hey Raegan!
I’m a big fan, just so you know! :p I was just wondering… what’s your birthday?
~Your biggest fan, Jamie
October 31st, 2007 at 11:22 pm
PS: It’s Hallowe’en!! ♥