!!!![SPOILER: RAW guilt shame identity self-loathing mental- self- flagellation REHASH(-of) suicidal-ideation]!!!!

PLEASE tread lightly and with utmost CARE FOR YOURSELF, especially if you are not feeling so ’stable’ or mentally ’strong’ yourself, right now. My heart goes out to all of you, but right now, especially to anyone currently dealing with these kinds of racing thoughts and emotional ‘hemhorrhaging’ as the ‘little girl’ below once did (er, and still does ).

Thank you kindly…

Can you do it

can you do it

why do I choke here
why does it
feel
as though my brain is about to

explode

I can’t be here

NO.

I want to be as
alone
as I
feel
I don’t want
them
to
know
that
this
can happen
to someone,
that there is
even the potential
of this happening
to them.

If I touch them
too deeply
it will be
theirs
and I don’t want them
to have it.

I
do
not
want this.

Where are the other ways,
why can’t I
find them
why am I
dying
so quickly

my jaw is killing me
I can’t stop
biting my lip
shaking my
leg,

these
shifts are perturbing,
the aching core in my centre,
a black hole
it really is
and it’s sucking me
in
from the inside
out

why
can’t I stop these thoughts and feelings
why
can’t I control myself

give me
control

I can
do it
with control,
but
not without
not
now.

Why
can’t it be physical,
obvious,
why
is this word processor bothering me about grammar.
I could stay up all night typing this.
It will keep coming
I just
know
it will
not
go away
this
time

it feels like
something
is ending,
I can’t see very far,
not far at all.

I

want

to be
here
I really really do

why
don’t
you
want me
here.
Why
can’t I
have
helpful voices,

ones
to keep me
company,

not

one

that wants me to die

DIE.

What an atrocious
yet
perfect
word.

I
have to
stop
thinking

it’s the
only way I can
do this
but

I am probably
avoiding
doing this
by doing that
and blah blah blah.
That was pretty coherent, but what else is new.

I don’t
want
to be
anyone else
but me.

I
do not look
at others
and wish
I were
them,

I just wish
I could
feel
so completely
differently
than
I
do
now.

I could
sit
here
and say

be
happy

over and
over and
over again,

just
get over
it
over it
over it
over it,

rocking
back
and forth
to keep
the tempo

I can’t
sleep
in
my
room

I can’t
be
in
this
house

why
is it

okay

at friends’ places

around them
even when
they don’t
understand

but

will put
up
with me.

Could
I seriously
say

why

one
more
time

please.

This
is getting really
old.

I am
so run down,

I feel it
all over

in my ears
and my chest
and my throat
and

especially

the pit of
my stomach
and intestines.

They know
something
is up

they can’t live
without
me
and
I can’t
live
without
them

why can’t I
help myself

are my wires
crossed

why
didn’t this happen earlier
or later

why now

have
I always been
leading to this

have I
been defunct
since
birth

I know this is all me,
it is all
me

but what
a despicable me
it is.

A
love hate
relationship.

I want to save
this person that I
don’t know
and I want to
stop
this crying
all the time

you think they would run out or melt me,
they are so acidic they’re eating away at
me

I am
eating away at
myself

I don’t want to
be a waste
everything over
so quickly

I can’t
and won’t
take

my
own
life

but how long
can I
keep up

countering these thoughts they sound like me they are me
they’re
not
voices

they are
me
all
me

but me and myself
are not
getting along
at all

there goes the acid in my stomach

can you feel it
can you feel it
I can
feel it

I wonder
if anyone has ever chosen to feel
this
way

and if
they did
why
I feel
nothing but
guilt
yet

I am so
self involved
and egocentric

it is

so

much

easier

to make others happier I love to make others happier maybe that is why I am here why can I help them and not me what is wrong

with me the violence inside I can’t take being violent

I

I

I

if

I

see the letter

I

once more will

I

be able to handle it.

I
guess so.

Something is quieting down
winding down
letting loose

is it
me
is it
it
is it
us.

I can’t be anything like
this nothing at all.

I can’t be
a friend to others,
a student,
a daughter

it

kills
all
over.

It feels as though
I
am punishing
myself

but for what

what is it that
I
figure
I
have done

I have
wasted
wasted

myself

the most precious
gift

and it’s almost
gone
I lied
so
much

why
did I not want to be part of reality

I was not abused by others,
maybe it was the abuse from me I could not handle.

I would
run and
run and
run
until I fell
down.

I
can’t walk,
can’t wait,

all or nothing

but if
I
don’t

want

nothing

then
I

want

it all

and I cannot possibly have it
all,

but

I can

have
nothing

I can’t say
I want tomorrow

and
even if I had
yesterday
it would always lead to
today

I know it would
I know it is not

one thing

that has lead me
here

it is
everything,

the whole
tapestry

why can’t I
be more outside

I am
so inside
always inside

I can’t remember
what it was
like
before I was
13

it feels like
maybe if
I keep typing
like crazy

something that makes sense will come out
I can go back
and highlight it
and say

that’s it
that’s it

okay
now it’s
okay

to move on

I have no desire to change things that have happened
I have been
so happy
so
so happy

why
have I let myself forget

I trampled
myself

ignored
myself

what because it was a funny joke.

I could
never resist
making

me
a funny joke

if I don’t do something soon something will do it for me
or to me.

I cannot even see how I will be
tomorrow let alone in
a year.

The longest week in the world
has passed

I am
waiting just
waiting

and not
wanting
anything specific

except

to not feel
this
way

I want
to be a
good example

I want
to succeed

I know
I can

I have to find the way

it’s not in books and
it’s not in pills and
it’s not in spilling myself to strangers and
it’s not with my
mom
or my
dad
or my
brother
or any of
my friends

and I know

very well

it is in
me
but a part of
me
that I have
either
never had anything to do with
or
have forgotten about.

There is

so much
untouched

just waiting to be
uncovered and
experimented with and
loved
to pieces.

I have been
ignoring this
for
too long

but now that I don’t want to ignore it anymore

I can’t
get past it

do
I have
a chip
on my shoulder

I don’t know

I don’t think so

the
only one
I am
holding a grudge against
is
myself

why
am I so awful

I have
beautiful pictures
of

me

and
beautiful pictures
of

my friends and

family and

beautiful experiences

and I have

beautiful dreams
just waiting
to be
imagined

even if they
never
came true
I wish they would
at least
come back

I need them
I need you
come back
it’s almost
past
too
late.

You have
crashed like this before
but not so
intensely
and not for so
so long

you would always run
and then crash

bring yourself
down

a demon that had to be exorcised
over and
over
again

why
is it
such a fight

to live

with myself

common
sense

tells me there is nothing particularly horrid about me

but my heart has daggers that splice me from
every direction

everytime
it
beats it

is all so

irrational

and
I know
it

it
doesn’t make sense

I can’t
make it
make sense

not even if I write two years’ worth of poetry
would it
ever
make
sense

or would it

I shouldn’t have
ignored me
because me
has come back
with a vengeance to
take over.

Is this what becoming an

adult
is?

Does

everyone

go through this

am I just
weaker than most others

I used to think
I
was
so special
because
I
liked to be
different

but
I
ended up
being
the same
didn’t I

or worse.

Okay it’s over.
I am preoccupied with writings of the past now.
Some of them are quite enlightening actually.
I am so glad I kept most of what I have written.

Rae july13, 1999 It’s good to know I came from somewhere.

[edited by ‘now’ Rae to add CRs/LFs in a vain attempt to ’save’ anyone from it in its original stream-of-consciousness SANS CRs/LFs. I posted this because the ‘little one’ in me was feeling very vulnerable, hurt, etc. and I thought it might help ‘calm me down’ a bit to rehash one of ‘the ancients’ …

anyway,
it is what it is

Peace and love
to
ALL of you…

♥♥♥
~Rae (welcoming your thoughts/inspiration…)

(Ah! time has passed. Happy Birthday, Self.
You did good today, Kid. ]

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